our harts are bigger than the space in between us (final version)

Rest if you must but dont you quit.

 

There comes a time in every relationship where a big fight occurs, and it take them weeks, or evven months to fix the problem. Lately, i’ve been experiencing this, and it’s the first time I’m having a big fight with her. Hindi ko alam yung gagawin ko since it’s the first time, and kasi hindi ko alam kung paano siya magalit. (Oh, and hindi ko rin alam kung bakit siya nagalit sakin)

 

It’s been a week now since we’ve fought; nag-trial and error ako on how to make things better, dahil sabi ng friends ko, it only takes lambing to ease the pain, and papansinin niya rin ako. Well ginawa ko lahat nang makakaya ko para maayos yung problema, at dahil na rin hindi ko kaya sa sarili ko na magkaaway kami. From waiting outside classes, to flood of calls and texts, nagawa ko na. Minsan gumagana, minsan hindi. Kulang pa ba ang ginagawa ko?

 

Internally (tama ba yung word?), hindi ko kaya yung ganto. Mahina ako sa ganto. Hindi ko kaya yung hindi ko kinakausap at hindi ako kinakausap ng mahal ko, at yung hindi ko siya nakikita, at yung kahit magkita man kami eh hindi naman kami okay. Ever since that day, hindi na ko makaisip nang maayos, hindi ako makasagot ng exams nang maayos, hindi ako makakain nang maayos kahit masarap yung pagkain, at syempre, laging iyak bago matulog.

 

Now please don’t think na she’s the bad guy. I’m actually writing this dahil ako yung bad guy. Syempre hindi naman siya magagalit kung wala akong nagawang masama, yun nga lang i stillDont know kung bakit siya nagalit. Sometimes i think, siguro malaki yung nagawa ko dahil sobrang cold treatment eh, na tipong straightforward yung sagot niya to my every question, and sobrang indifferent independent na ang vibes.

 

After a week of trial and error, napagod din ako. Hindi ko na rin kinaya yung depression and yung sadness, kaya naisip ko, bigyan na muna siya ng space. Hiningi niya yung space a week before, pero naisip ko na hindi ko kaya na may space in between us, so gagawin ko lahat para mayos to, but then i realized things the hard way–hindi pala yung solution ko ang right solution. Dapat pala bigyan siya ng space. Naisip ko kailangan ko na rin muna ng space, kasi ‘nababaliw’ na ko. Although it eats me up inside now that i’m not talking to her, dapat kayanin ko. It’s for her, after all. Yung loneliness and yung deisre to talk to her, i’m able to ‘feed’ the feeling by talking to my friends and family about the good memories i have with her. That eases up the pain, somehow. That is also why i am writing this, because somehow it makes the waiting less painful.

 

I dont want to lose her, ever. She’s just so special, and i haven’t met anyone like her, not even my mom. Sobrang optimistic siya, sobrang good vibes everytime i’m with her, sobrang funny, she’s very responsible, very hardworking, very sweet, very caring and very loving. Sobrang miss ko na nga yung sweet-caring-loving part eh 😦 i cant afford to lose her, and i cant afford to see her with someone else.

I gave her space because I trust her that after all the trouble, kami pa rin after the storm. I can’t help but overthink sometimes, na baka kaya siya ganun dahil may iba na siya, or baka kasi ayaw na niya sa akin. But i realized that it’s unfair sa side niya na magoverthink nang ganto since sobrang loyal niya, and i know her as a formal and a professional person–if she wants to end it, or if she has someone else, she would tell me as soon as possible. I’ve saved sweet messages from her in my phone, and i can’t help but smile when i backread her messages, “I won’t ever leave you, i promise.” I also have this small notebook from her, and this makes me smile everytime I read it. The most special part of the notebook is having her writing “I love you, and I will prove it everyday” on the notebook. I have to trust her on this one, and I have to entrust her our relationship, because I know she’ll take care of it and I know that she won’t leave.

 

What’s also keeping me alive is the fact that all my close friends are of full support. I can see that they really want her for me, and lahat sila, as in lahat, sinasabi na “maaayos din kayo, I know.” That motivates me to fight for this. What also motivates me is my bestfriend and his girlfriend. They have been together for yars now, and they go through a lot, even break-ups at times, but they seem to get back every time, because they love each other so much. I know that is the case for us too. We’re more mature this time around, and this Is a mature realtionship, and I know that a problem like this would not separate us.

 

This problem is hard to manage right now, but it has brought me good things in my life too. It has taught me to come back to my family, and made me realize na they’re still there for me no matter what. It has also taught me to come back to God. I guess it’s selfish kasi I pray when i’m in need, but I feel that I have been praying wholeheartedly for a week now.

 

Honestly, I miss her more than ever. Minsan nga naisip ko, pwede bang pakitago na lang ng phone at tablet ko, para hindi ako ma-urge na tingnan ang facebook at twitter niya? I cant help but look at our pictures sa gallery ko–the good memories and all. Not to compare, pero siya lang yung person na laging nandyan fo me, and i havent spent more memorable events, life achievements and first times than with her. (Sorry that seemed vague) Hayy. Every achievement and event in our life kasi, may picture kami.From winning awards, to passing tests and subjects, to changing as a better person, nandyan siya for me. She has taught me to be a better person. I cant wait to see her again and for us to be okay, kasi ag dami ko nang naisip na adventures, plans, dates and fun activities na siya lang ang perfect fir to be with me. Siya lang yung magpa-fun dun sa mga events na naisip ko.

 

Hayy. Sana maging okay na kami. We rest, but we dont quit

(Disclaimer:this is my side of the story. This is bias-oriented, and unfair for her part. Sorry.)

 

 

 

 

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